I don't even know where to start this blog today.

It's one of those things that no one talks about because us mommy people are supposed to never have issues. But I just don't care. I need to vent and get it out. I don't exactly have a phone full of people I can call up and talk to so I come to this blog, get things out of my system. It makes me feel somewhat better, at least for a little while.

I am currently dealing with some symptoms of Postpartum Depression. There's a shocker, right!

It's strange how it took so long to hit me but nonetheless, it's here. I've been dealing with it a few weeks now but trying to just ignore it and hope it will go away. I did read that sometimes, when you've had a traumatic experience with birth, like your kid being sick, it could take a few months to kick in so I guess that's not so abnormal. But I really thought it would go away over time.

But, it hasn't.

This year has been so horrible for my family. Devin's hospital stuff has stressed me out beyond belief. And even though he is better, I have this paranoia around him that I can't seem to let go. Allen and I still won't let anyone feed him. NO ONE. EVER.

I freak out every time he coughs or gasps, even though usually it's just him coughing like any other baby would do. But when it happens, I freeze in place and just stare at him, wondering if he's going to do his little stop breathing thing.

It hasn't happened in forever, since his last hospital stay. It's strange because the only thing that we've changed is his eating. And we took him off his medicine. The medication was entirely our idea and it was strange how much he changed just from doing that.

Devin is doing better. He smiles now and laughs and he loves to stare. He even laughs when Corbin slaps him. It's almost like he's teasing Corbin, saying, "Can't you hit any harder than that?"

The only issue we continue to see is that on occasion, Devin still has issues taking a bottle. They happen at random times. One day he's awesome and the next feeding him is like hell. Pure hell. Allen and I hate feeding this child but since we don't let anyone else do it, we kinda have to. I think we'd both rather change a poopy diaper than feed him. That's how horrible it is trying to feed this kid!

But aside from Devin, we've had a million other things to deal with this year. I guess I've been so busy in survival mode, I haven't had a chance to really deal with things. So now everything is hitting me.

I randomly start crying now, for no reason. I get extremely irritable, most of the time for no reason. But sometimes, something really dumb can make me just fly off the handle. Or cry. I like to cry now.

It's worrying the crap out of me because I hate crying. I don't cry.

It took me a while to realize what was going on. And then it hit me. Postpartum depresson. And then I wanted to just beat it out of me so it would go away.

It's affecting my work.

I go to work every single day, knowing that I have to be there because I am the provider for my family, and I just stare at the computer. It takes me forever to write a story. Then, I have to pretend like I yawned or sneezed or something when someone walks by my desk during a time I've had one of my crying episodes. I feel so stupid. And I really think I'm losing my mind.

There are days I just can't handle Corbin's little temper tantrums or Devin's constant wailing. Then there are days I miss them so much I feel like I'm dying. It's so freaking weird.

I keep saying I'm going to call the doctor but I keep putting it off. I heard my doctor had left and I'm not really into talking to a new doctor about things when they have no idea the history. Plus, all doctors want to do is give you medicine and I am not a fan of depression medicine. Been there, done that, didn't work.

I contemplated whether to tell Allen and finally, I did. But of course, I don't think he realizes the severity of it. And, with everything going on with him right now, I doubt he will.

But nonetheless, it's something I'm dealing with. I'm living in a little house of crazy right now. And it has a note on the door that says, "Be back later." And hopefully that's the case. Hopefully, I will be back later.