Mama Ruth

I'm pretty sure I've written about my mom in this space before but just in case, let's recap.

My mom walked out on my dad when I was like 1, maybe 2 years old. She walked out and never looked back.

I'd get an occasional card or phone call but that was it. Sometimes, like once every 10 years, she'd call and want me to visit her. My dad made me go and I hated it, just about as much as I hated her.

I know, it's horrible to say but I hate my mom. She's done nothing but disappoint and hurt me.

Over the years, she'd call and say she wanted to be in my life so I'd do something stupid to let her in. I'd always regret because like clockwork, she'd always disappear again. At 28 years old, I received a letter from my mom. The letter apologized for leaving me and for not being there for. The letter proclaimed how my mother had found Jesus and was a new person. And finally, the letter said she wanted to be a part of my life.

I thought about the letter for a while and finally wrote back. I told her how much she had hurt me and how my mother was the women who raised me, not her. But, I told her I'd try to let her in. And I did. Then I got pregnant with Corbin. I was doing pretty good and letting her in my life a little more each day. When Corbin was born, she came to the hospital to see him and a few weeks letter she accused me of not wanting her in his life because I had not driven AN HOUR AND A HALF to visit her. Anyway, I informed her I had a newborn and driving that far was ridiculous. If she wanted to come see him, she could drive her butt to Nashville. That's when she accused me of basically plotting to not let her be a part of his life. My whole plan, according to her, was to never let her in my life. She went on to talk about her newfound religion and how great she'd be for my kid and how she'd pray for me and blah blah blah. So I unleashed a fury on her I never even knew I had. It was a fury without bad language and it was about as Christian a fury as I could give. Long story short, after lots of back and forth conversations, I finally told her to leave me alone and to not talk to me or my family ever again because I didn't want my son around someone like her. She said okay and I haven't talked to her since. That was a year and a half ago.

Anyway, I do have more to share on this topic but it's for another day. The point to all this is, the woman who gave birth to me is not my mom. My grandmother is my mom.

Mama Ruth is the one who raised me. She's the one who forced me to wear ridiculously girly clothes and curled my hair so high, I looked like a wannabe 80's country singer. She's the one that went on to help me during hard times, the one who has always been there for me and the one I go to when I need a mother.

But, Mama Ruth is also my grandmother. Which means she's not a spring chick anymore, as they say.

Mama Ruth is getting up there in age. She's like 85 now, I think.

Her health has been going downhill for a while and I guess we all know that people don't live forever.

A few years ago, while visiting my aunt in Ohio, Mama Ruth had a stroke. It was just before Thanksgiving and she was in the hospital in another state. That actually turned out to be a blessing but my dad, Allen and I ate at some stupid Chinese restaurant for Thanksgiving that year! It was the worst Thanksgiving ever. Luckily, her stroke was a mini stroke and wasn't too bad. But it scared the crap out of my family. The theory is that Mama Ruth is continuing to have these little mini strokes.The strokes are causing her to have dementia. She is getting worse every day.

There are days she talks to her kids like she doesn't know who they are. She can't remember things as well and sometimes she just stares into space. But then there are other days, she's the same ole feisty Mama Ruth.

Mama Ruth can't drive anymore and we don't let her cook. We have to make sure she takes her million pills every day and many days we have to make sure she eats.

All this mini strokes are going to lead to a real stroke one day. And a real stroke is not going to be good news for her. Both of my uncles died from strokes.....and they died within the last 2-3 years. Their death was really hard on Mama Ruth. I think her getting worse is partly because of that. She lost two of her brothers within a very short time, plus her sister-in-law.

Anyway, my family is looking at having to consider options for her and by options I mean, either putting her somewhere or figuring out a way for someone to be with her all the time. I'm pretty sure the latter will be our choice. Mama Ruth would kill us if we put her in one of those nursing homes. But anyway, Mama Ruth is slipping away from us and it is killing me.

I'm losing my grandmother and my mother all at once.

I can't imagine her being completely gone. But it's inevitable that one day, it will happen.

I hope that day is a long ways away.