Being a mom

Being a mom is the most exhausting thing I've ever done. And I've done a lot of things.

The hardest thing about my life right now is the lack of friends I have to call when I need to just vent. Sometimes, it helps to just pick up the phone and tell someone how crazy your day was. I don't feel like I have that.

I feel like I'm surrounded by a lot of people that care about me and my family. I mean, obviously, we were so blessed to have folks praying for us and doing things for us when Devin was in the hospital, I know how lucky I am. But there still wasn't that one person I could really call and just cry to and there's been lots of times I needed that.

I have Allen and there were lots of times I've cried with him. And of course, he's let me do it. He's my best friend but you still need someone else.

I miss Jennifer.

I know she would have been there and she would have let me vent and she would have had my back during all this. She would have told the nosy people who were trying to tell me what to do when Devin was in the hospital to back off and she would have left me alone when I just needed to be alone.

One of my bad qualities is my lack of openness and trust. I don't let people in and I have a hard time making friends. I have a lot of acquaintances but not a lot of friends.

Anyway, that's not what this blog is about. It's about how exhausting motherhood is. Sometimes, you just need a night out with a friend.

I know Allen needs the same thing.

I feel really bad for Allen sometimes. He's home every, single day with the boys and Devin cries 90% of the time and it wears on your nerves. And Corbin, well he's a typically almost-two-year-old so imagine being around that all day!

Sometimes I come home at night and I think Allen is about to lose his mind!

But of course, there are other times I feel sorry for myself.

I come home late a lot. My job is not a 8-5 one. I work late often, I work weekends and I'm just not there for my kids like I'd like to be. And it sucks.

Last night, I got home at 10 p.m. I went in at 8:30 a.m. The day before that, I went in at 9 and got home at 8. One of the nights, Allen was telling me about his day and what Corbin did and how he peed in the potty and it just broke my heart that I missed something like that. Peeing in the potty is a big deal! With Allen being the daddy, he doesn't think of stuff like that as a big deal. If it were me home with Corbin, I would have threw a parade or something. I would have called Allen at work and bragged about Corbin peeing. I may have even taken a picture!

It's hard to be the one working. When I get off, I just want to go home and go to bed. But more so, I want to spend time with the boys. So, I stay up and play with them and get them to bed. On the weekends, when I'm not working, I try to spend as much time with them.

I know that eventually my work schedule will truly create some conflicts with my personal life and then, I'll have to take a look at some things. My family is #1 and being a mom is now the most important job that I have! If I have to pick between a board meeting and my kid's soccer game, well you can imagine which one it's going to be.