The forgotten blog

Gosh, I haven't been here in forever. Going back over some of the posts, I could slap myself for not keeping this blog active. I like to look back on the memories, if anything, to remember where I've been and where I'm going.

But it also serves as a reminder of things I often forget. My memory isn't the greatest and it's sad sometimes to not be able to remember things. So having a blog, or even Facbook, has been helpful to pull up things and go, "OH YEAH, I remember that!"

Since my last post, which was forever ago, a lot has happened. There's no way I can talk about it all in one post so I'll just have to come back and post a million posts over the next few weeks. But I have 3 boys and they thrive off of getting in mischief so I don't know if I'll be able to commit to this like I should. But, I'll give it a whirl.

Let's just talk about the three boys this time around. So, Brendin, my sweet little Brendin was born on February 2, 2015. I will have to say, though I did want another kid because I was so hoping for a little girl, we didn't really "plan" to have another kid. Allen was content with one kid but I was an only child and now that I'm grown, it's sad. I don't have nieces or nephews to spoil and be proud of; I don't have sisters or brothers to be my best friend. I wanted to be sure my kids have that.

But a third boy?? Well, that's not really what I had planned. But it happened, and again, I was reminded that God has a sense of humor and He does not, absolutely does not like it when I make plans for my life and don't include Him in the discussion. So He was like, "Take that Amanda and Allen. I'm gonna give you 3 wild, rambunctious little boys and I bet I can get you on your knees then!"

Yep, it worked.

All my pregnancies have a story but Brendin, sweet, little Brendin, he almost killed me. Towards the end, I was in severe pain. I thought I was dying. I couldn't walk. I felt like someone was inside of me stabbing my insides. But my doctor said he was just positioned awkwardly and was a really big baby and I would have to suck it up and deal with it!

I sucked it up all right! I continued working hard to get things in order for the paper so I could take my maternity leave. And one weekend, the pain felt better and I got this little burst of energy. I had a board meeting on Monday and I was looking forward to getting back to my normal routine and not hurting anymore.The baby really wasn't due quite yet so I thought I had some more time. My publisher, however, was getting worried. She tried to convince me to let someone else cover my board meeting that Monday. But I've become pretty territorial over my board meetings so I said I'd handle it.

It was a long board meeting. It started at 10 a.m. and at some point they decided to take a break. I went to the bathroom, came back to my seat and got this pressure in my bladder like I needed to potty again. And then, just before the meeting started back up, my water broke and I started cramping bad.

My worst nightmare had come true! My water broke during a board meeting! I have vague memories of what happened next; I just know a police officer tried to call 9-1-1 and I was like NO. The clerk is a friend of mine so she called my husband. He just happened to be right around the corner (Thank God) because he would soon be picking Corbin up from school. I was escorted down the elevator and out the door and my pants were soaking wet and I was terrified and a bit embarrassed. I got in the van and Allen hauled tail to the school. I remember him running up to get Corbin and him running back to the van all excited. "The baby is coming, the baby is coming!!"

We had switched doctors and hospitals so this go around, we were supposed to be birthing this kid in Greenville, which is a good hour away if you drive fast. After getting Corbin, we had to pick Devin up at the babysitters. Then we went to Bethel to drop them off.

I had this pregnancy all planned out. We had a scheduled c-section (I can't do the birthing thing naturally, I discovered with Corbin) so I had arranged for childcare and all that. But of course, Brendin had other plans so when he decided to come, no one was around to take the boys. Allen called a friend's mom and asked her to take the boys. But I had a plan and that was not it and I was freaking out about it so that led to Allen and I arguing the whole way to Bethel. Basically, I'm in labor and it's not pleasant and my husband has the audacity to argue with me!!! YES he did!

But anyway, we made it to Bethel and dropped the boys off. Then we headed to my doctor's office. They wanted me to come in to their office first because my water breaking apparently wasn't enough proof that I was in labor.

Let's just cut this part short. They agreed I was in labor and sent me to the hospital. But, it was more of a rush to the hospital because we think something is wrong type thing. They didn't really say that because they didn't want to upset me but long story short, there was evidence Brendin had a bowel movement inside me, which is not normally a good sign during labor.

I  hightailed it to the hospital and by 2 p.m. little Brendin was here! It was terrifying but in the end, all was good and he was awesome! But, the the doctor was wrong about his size. He was only six pounds. He was a teeny, little fella and man, I loved him!

Today, Brendin is a feisty two-year-old. He's still a tiny little fella but he can give his brothers a run for their money! Brendan has a bit of a mean side too. His brothers have worked hard to teach him everything they know, mostly bad things, and they encourage him to show it off! And he does! But, deep down, Brendin is a sweet kid. He's a gigantic momma's boy and I secretly love that. He loves airplanes, trains and Paw Patrol. He also loves his brothers.

Life with 3 boys has been interesting. I can tell you, there's never a dull moment, never a boring day and lots of stories. I hope to be able to start back sharing some of those stories here, when I'm not playing referee, that is!

I have what?

Dang. It's been over two months since I posted on here. But I promise it's not because there hasn't been anything going on. It's more so because I'm too busy, and too tired, to post anything.


I'm not even sure I can remember all that's happened over the past 2 months. But here's a stab at it.....I joined a gym (briefly at least), Corbin beat up his brother, Devin learned to fight back, Corbin got his first karate belt (not for beating up his brother though), Devin started walking, Devin turned one, Thanksgiving came and went, Christmas came and went and here we are.


There's stuff in between as well but I can't remember.

I've had a lot of issues with remembering lately.


Then I noticed I was extremely tired, like more tired than a person should be, even a person with a crazy job and two small kids.


Then I noticed I felt like crap, all the time.


I really didn't think  much of it at first. I thought I had two small kids and I'm overweight so obviously my life is going to exhaust me. I figured I was getting to the burn out point with my job and I was just exhausted, mentally, physically and emotionally.


Then, one day around a month ago, I woke up unable to open and close my hands. Every joint in my body hurt. I was a little freaked out. So, I finally made an appointment with the doctor.


I didn't get to see my actual doctor because he's too busy to ya know, meet with people, so I saw a woman who is an FNP. Not sure what that means but she could order tests and prescribe meds so I was cool with that.

I got all sorts of bloodwork done.  At first, everything pointed an autoimmune disease. My publisher has rheumatoid arthritis and she swore to God that's what I had because my symptoms were the same as hers. I've been having problems with my back and hips and legs for a while. I even went to a chiropractor to see if it would help and it did help some. But it would never go away.

Anyway, the doctor lady called me and informed me that my Vitamin D was low (I guess I need more sunshine) and that I had something called Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Uhhh huh? That was my reaction.

What in the heck is that? Well,  it's a real "disease." The internet said so! But she briefly explained it and further explained it in person. The bad news is there is no cure or remedy for it. So, I get to spend the rest of my life feeling like crap. YES!

The extreme exhaustion and all that crap can be managed but I have to manage each symptom separately. But, the memory loss, forgetfulness, inability to focus? Well, it happens and there's not much you can do about it. Of course, if your brain isn't exhausted, your memory loss may not be as severe.

I don't know. It's a weird disease I've never heard of and one I'll probably keep to myself because, who is going to take that seriously? You have what?? Chronic fatigue syndrome? OH yeah I have that too. All women with children have that. hahahahahaha

Grrrr. So, this whole thing has stopped me from going to the gym although I do plan to go back. However, I have to take meds to keep my joints from flaring up and hurting again. But the gym seemed to help me feel better so I am making myself go back.

I'm also being put on medication to help with "depression." Bad things happened last time I was on medication for that so I'm not too keen on having to go through that again. But, I also don't like having emotional breakdowns in front of random people at random times. My job also frowns on that. Reporters are supposed to be heartless, you know. So, I am willing to try the medicine and even the therapy to see if they can "fix me."

I have a family and I'd like to be able to be around them and do things with them without feeling like crap. So, I'll try anything, even if it means taking medication and talking to a stranger about my personal life.

Little Miss Sunshine

Over the past year or two, I've had the pleasure of experiencing adoption. My cousin and her husband adopted a little girl, Janetta.

Janetta has been top secret, until recently. We couldn't post pictures of her on social media. Although she was my cousin's baby girl, technically, she belonged to the government. But, after a year, year and a half, of having Janetta, they were able to make it official on September 20.

It was a big to-do for my family. This is the second adoption we've made official this year! The first was another cousin in Ohio, who had been fostering a little boy for a few years. They were finally able to adopt the little fella. But for Janetta, because she is so close by, and her mom is like a sister to me, I really got to be a part of the process.

The process made me cry, it made me laugh, it made me happy and then on September 20, I did all those things!

Janetta is a special little girl. She was born with some health issues so anyone that was willing to take her on was taking on a challenge. Janetta had to have heart surgery and that, of course, was stressful. She also has down syndrome, which has slowed her development down just a little, though you couldn't tell it. All you can really see on Janetta is a big 'ole smile.

Adoption is a special thing. And it takes special people to not only adopt but to adopt someone with special needs. My cousin, Amy, certainly fits in that category of "special" and even though I'd like to make a joke about her "specialness," I really am serious. Amy is one of those people you become grateful for knowing.

Amy is a very patient, kind and giving person. And she is by far the perfect mother for Janetta. As is Amy's husband, Janetta's father, Jonathan.

God had their little life all mapped out. It was a roller coaster ride but He brought them to Janetta. I think they would say the moment they met her, they fell in love and knew she was their little girl.

Their story amazes me for so many reasons. It amazes me because it truly shows how amazing God is. Their story shows how faith can really move mountains! They almost didn't get Janetta. Our system of adoption sucks! It's a long story and it's one I'm not going to tell because it takes too long. But, Amy and Jonathan, and our entire family, prayed and prayed and prayed. I am not sure I've ever prayed about anything so hard before. But I prayed for them hard and I KNEW, I just knew God would answer our prayers. He had to.

And he did.

And now, Janetta is there's. She's like a little piece of sunshine for our family. We love all the little ones in our family but Janetta, there's just something special about her. I can't imagine anyone more perfect for her than Amy and Jonathan!

Where did 2013 go?

Where in the heck did 2013 go? I am not digging the fact that it's October. Nope, not at all.

From here on out, my life will be psychotically crazy.

Work is crazy this time of year and so is life with little people.

We have Halloween/Fall coming up, which means I have to take the boys to every pumpkin farm within 40 miles of Nash County. 

Halloween is also a busy time for me at the paper because I have to find all the cute little children dressed up as monsters and goblins and get the best pictures ever. I also have to attend all those, or most of the, Fall Festival events all over the county. So I have to seriously balance my personal life with my work life.

 AND, now that Allen has a business, we have to deal with Halloween on that end too. His classes actually fall on Halloween and he's decided to cancel classes and instead participate in Nashville's Halloween events. He'll have a little booth at the park and give out goodies to all the kids. Maybe some will sign up for class. We need like 100 students so we can get our own building!

Since Corbin is in school now, they have little parties and stuff. And this year, Allen volunteered to help with the Halloween party which really means I am helping with the Halloween party! So there's that.


After Halloween is Thanksgiving and Thanksgiving is just stressful because we have to balance our lives with both my family and Allen's family and try to have a little bit of family time amongst our little family as well.

Then, there's Devin's FIRST birthday! Oh good grief! I have NO STINKING IDEA what to do for his birthday. Why must he have been born in December?!

We had a pool party for Corbin's first birthday and it was awesome. We did Elmo as the theme and it rocked. But now, with Devin we have to think of something that will accommodate the winter season,  and pick a time frame where people can actually attend. And, I have to plan it all too!

Allen's birthday is the same day as Devin's so I have to think of something for him as well. Ugh!


Then, of course, is Christmas! Even though Devin was born just before Christmas, he was in the hospital on Christmas and had no clue it was Christmas so really this is his first Christmas!

In between all this craziness at home is craziness at work. The holidays are crazy around here. We have the holidays off but that means we have to work extra hard so we CAN have the holidays off.

Let me just say, though, I am THANKFUL I don't have to cover the Black Friday madness. I would rather sit on a safety pin than have to cover that!

 I'm sure in between all this, there's more but I can't think of it. I do know I need to get pictures done of my crew. We haven't had a family picture ever and we've only done pics of the boys once. SO, let's just add that to the list, shall we?

Corbin's first broken heart

Corbin has a broken heart, which means his mama has a broken heart.

One morning this week, we woke up to discover two coyotes roaming around in the pasture behind our house. In our backyard, there were feathers everywhere.

I called for Allen and he went outside and came back in shaking his head. He said there were chicken bodies everywhere. And, he couldn't find Buster.

Buster is Corbin's chicken.

Coyotes, apparently, do not come in and kill their prey to eat. Instead, they come in and just kill, leaving bodies everywhere. But, there were a few bodies missing so I guess they did take some with them.

Buster was apparently one of them.

To be sure, Allen looked everywhere, to at least find a sign of Buster's body.

He looked in all of Buster's hiding spots. She wasn't there.

Later, he found some of her feathers. So, we are pretty sure she is gone.

We lost 8 chickens and two ducks. Most of the chickens that were killed were our egg laying ones. And, they had just started laying eggs. We are left with 9 chickens. 6 of them are meat chickens. One is an egg laying and two are little bantam like chickens. One of the chickens, though, was attacked and we may have to put it down. We'll be making that decision today.

We weren't attached to the chickens. But we were all attached to Buster.

We got Buster around Corbin's first birthday. We actually got two chickens. One was killed fairly early on. For a long, long time, we thought Buster was a boy. That's why we named her Buster! But then she started popping out eggs and fooled us! Anyway, Buster was meant to be a pet for Corbin. She was meant to help teach him responsibility while also giving him his own little pet. He loved Buster. He'd pick her up and carry her around the yard. She didn't even care. He also put her in the little basket underneath the stroller and rode her around. She didn't mind that either.

Buster was special.

Buster got so comfortable with us, she would walk right in the house when we opened the door. Corbin loved it. He'd grab her and run to his room, show her around and have some serious conversations with her. Then, me or Allen would have to go in there and explain to him that chickens can't come in the house and we'd have to take her back out.

Most mornings, the first thing Corbin did was ask to see Buster.

He did that on the morning she was killed. And, we had no idea what to tell him.

He cried and cried and cried. I had to go to work and Allen would let me know how Corbin was doing. "He's still crying, asking for Buster."

Allen eventually told him that Buster went to be with Jesus and thought he'd convinced him.

But the next morning, Corbin asked for Buster again.

We are all sad. Our poor little boy is so heartbroken. We told him we'd get him another chicken but he said he wanted a frog!

I bet he'll end up getting a frog. But I bet we'll still find him another chicken.

But there will definitely never be another Buster.

School

Corbin is officially in school!

It's bittersweet, really. I'm so excited that he's going to a place he can be around other kids and gain a little bit of knowledge, other than what his daddy is teaching him at home. Allen has done a great job prepping him for school though. He already semi knows some numbers and colors but now, he'll be able to learn a little more independence and he needs that badly.

I was all excited about school. I was so ready, until the day got here.

Last week was the worst week I've had in a while. My emotional state of mind was off the charts. If you can test craziness, I would have failed last week. I was, and sorta still am, an emotional blubber of mess right now. Corbin going to school has broken my heart. It means he's growing up and I don't know when all that happened.

I'm proud of him though. The first two days of school were rough. Allen and I both took him the first two days and we walked him to class. He screamed his little head off, to the point, he had me in hysterical tears. The first day, Allen had to practically drag me out of the school. The second day, I refused to walk him IN the classroom. Instead, I stood outside and let Allen walk him in. As Allen left, I could hear Corbin's screams and again, I fell into a fit of crying myself. I don't know what the heck is wrong with me!

The third day, which was the second week (he only goes twice a week), Allen and I both took him but we didn't walk him in. Instead, we dropped him off at the door, as requested, and his teacher came and walked him to class. That went a lot better. Corbin reached his little hand out and grabbed mine and started screaming "mama!!!!" and of course, that sent me into tears as we drove away. Just for the record, Corbin hasn't seen me cry. I've been able to contain myself until after he's gone. Lord knows how hard it would be for him if he saw me crying!

The third day when we picked him up, the teacher said he did much better. He only cried a few seconds and was better.

On the fourth day, I took Corbin to school all by myself. I dropped him off at the door and the teacher came and took him out of the van. He gave me a high five goodbye and as he got to the door, he turned around and waved and said bye! Of course, that too, sent me into tears and as I drove off, I started thinking how much easier it was this time around (for Corbin anyway).

The difference, I believe, is that the last time, Corbin left ME. I didn't leave HIM. So in his little mind, he's all mr. big boy saying bye to me instead of me taking him somewhere and dumping him. Not that significant of a difference really but to him, it is.

So ain't that something!

Anyway, I'm thinking in another week or so, I'll be able to drop him off without me crying! I hope so at least. In the meantime, I am going to have to go on some type of medication to get me through this milestone.

Mirrors in gyms

So, it's been maybe 6 weeks since I started working out and the first thing I will say is that my butt is still the same size as it was 6 weeks ago, as is my stomach and everything else. So, in regards to losing weight, it's not happening.

But, I do feel better when I work out so that's a plus.

Part of the problem is finding the time to go to the gym. My job is demanding and so are my kids. Sometimes it seems I am doing something horrible when I make time for myself to go to the gym. So I'm lucky if I can go 2 times a week.

There's no set time for my gym schedule. I go when I can. Sometimes that's early in the morning. Sometimes it's on my lunch break and other times, it's after work. I go when I can.

I try to go when no one else is there because I'm self conscious and I do not want people look at my jiggly body parts when I'm exercising.

This week, I was all alone and I felt pretty good about my little 11 minute walk on the treadmill. At the five minute mark, the treadmill speeds up for 2 whole minutes and I'm at a very super fast walk. This time, I decided that since I was alone and no one could see me if I went flying off the treadmill, I'd do a little jog. And that's what I did. I started jogging and I jogged for a whole minute and a half. Then I noticed the mirror directly in front of me and I stopped.

So, I got to thinking, who the heck puts mirrors in gyms? And WHY? Who wants to look at themselves working out?? I sure don't! It's disgusting and it doesn't do much to motivate me.

I've always hated mirrors. They freak me out. When I was young girl, someone told me that bloody mary story. If you haven't heart of it, you look in a mirror and say "Bloody Mary" three times and something really scary happens. Bloody Mary has traumatized me for life! Bloody Mary and that Devil Went Down to Georgia Song. If you want to make me scream like a little sissy girl, those two will do it. Seriously.

So any mirror that is large in size is my enemy and I do not like it. But not only that factor, the whole watching yourself work out is just weird to me. I don't understand how even the most in shape, skinniest person in America would want to see themselves work out. I am pretty sure I make some awesome faces when I am lifting weights. So no thanks on sticking a mirror in front of my face while I try to rid my body of fat rolls.

Kids and working out

I haven't posted anything in two months. But it's not because I haven't had anything to talk about. I struggle with this blog. Most of the time, I find it pointless. I'm not exactly sharing wisdom on here for the world to see. Instead, this is the place I go to and vent, to get things off my chest with hopes that it will make me feel better. So far, it hasn't worked.

But anyway, I have plenty of things I need to get off my chest but I don't have the energy, really, to do it here, on this site.

But I do love talking about my kids. They are pretty awesome. Corbin is turning into an interesting little fella. And Devin, well he likes to eat and that bothers me. I don't want him to be fat like his mom.

Speaking of fat, I recently started working out. It's been an interesting 3 weeks but so car, I've done okay.I could be doing better but of course, I could be doing worse too. I find myself slowly starting to feel better too. I'm not really eating all that great yet but I am working towards that.

I have no idea HOW to eat healthy. I grew up eating fried chicken and thinking if I had a vegetable with my chicken, I was eating healthy. I grew up on soda and sweet tea. So I have a lot of work to do on that end. But, I am at least working out now.

I hope that I can get in better shape for my kids. But it took me looking in a mirror, really looking, and deciding that this was something I needed to do and until I wanted to do it for ME, I'd never be successful at it. So, although my kids and my husband are my motivation, I am doing this for myself.

I have felt like crap for probably the past 5 years. I'm sure being overweight has something to do with it. And of course, I can't help but think my horrible pregnancy and Devin being sick could have had something to do with my weight. It kills me to think my unhealthy lifestyle could impact my child forever. The first thing the doctor told me after Devin was born and got sick was that it wasn't my fault. He must have knew what I was thinking. I wonder if he knew I didn't believe him. I've blamed myself ever since. I'm thankful Devin is, for the most part, better.

This past weekend, we took our first vacation with two kids. We had a blast! I enjoyed it, which honestly was surprising. I thought it would be very stressful. But, it wasn't and I'm so glad. But our trip required some endurance because we went to the beach and carrying a 20-pound kid up a sandy hill to the beach is no easy feat. I almost died. BUT I didn't, which means my workout is actually working! Though my legs burned, I wasn't out of breath afterwards. So after only 3 weeks of working out, I could tell it's working. I can't wait to work out. It's not fun but it's something I do knowing it's making me healthier and adding years on to my life. And the longer I live, the longer I can embarrass my kids!

Father's Day

So, Father's Day has come and gone and boy, did I work my behind off to be this creative person. Corbin and I worked super hard this year making our Father's Day presents.

I tend to love, love, love homemade gifts. They make my heart smile. I hope they do the same for Allen!

Corbin painted two rocks this year. After we painted the rocks, we threw some designs on the and then I painted "Daddy rocks" and "Pa Pa rocks" on them. It was a pretty simple idea. Corbin loved being able to paint them. He even got mad at me when I tried to help.

He's a creative little bugger!

We had so much fun doing that we decided to continue on with our painting skills. I decided that it would be AWESOME to do some type of gift the involved hand prints. SO I found this poem online and typed it up and printed it out. Then, I took Corbin's little hands, covered them in paint and BAM, made another brilliant little gift. Of course, I couldn't leave out Devin so I did his hands too. That wasn't as easy (or as fun!) as he was not thrilled with me forcing his hands open. He likes to curl them up still. Of course, doing Corbin's hand print wasn't all peachy either. It took three tries to get it right but we had fun doing it¡ Corbin will probably have our fun etched in his little mind and next time we pull out our paints, I have every idea, he's going to try and paint himself! Hopefully, it's Allen that decides to paint with him again!

We also took a Pringles can and cut out some construction paper. I let Corbin draw all over the paper and then we taped it around the Pringles can. Then, I put a million Hershey's kisses in the can and wrote, "Filled with kisses." This was a super simple gift that just popped in my head.

But, we aren't done. I got carried this year and also did a edible treat that spelled out "DAD." The two D's were brownies and the "A" was a cookie. It was easy but I did it while Corbin was asleep because he enjoys eating sweets way too much and I don't like giving him junk food. Anyway, Allen enjoyed it!

Finally, I ordered both my dad and Allen's dad, and Allen, a mouse pad with pictures on it. They looked pretty awesome!

All in all, I think we did good for Father's Day. Allen got a lot of homemade gifts and I only spent like $15! I'd post pictures of our creations but I'm not that talented and I have no idea how. Plus, is it really worth posting pictures for the ZERO people who read this stupid blog? UM NO.

Hopefully though, next year, I won't discover that I did ALL the cool ideas this year and be stuck with no creative gift ideas!

Blessings

So, this whole depression thing isn't new to me. It's something I've dealt with my whole life. It's something I've, at times, control my life and other times, I've fought with everything I have and most of the time, I win.

Postpartum depression is similar yet different. I was able to deal with it when I had it with Corbin. But this time, it's been brutal and it's kicking my butt.

But, I'm a fighter and I'm not about to let this thing eat me alive.

Typically, I fight depression by forcing myself to reflect on the good in my life. It's easy to dwell on the bad when you are in this state of mind. So I think about how blessed I am. Yes, my life has a lot of tough times but I am blessed.

I have a roof over my head. Though it's a roof that needs to be a replaced and I can't afford to replace it right now, it IS a roof and it does keep my family safe at night.

Speaking of family, I have a great one. I didn't have a mom growing up but I had a dad whose number one priority in life was to raise me. That's admirable to me. It's something I am thankful for. I also had a grandmother who served as both my mom and grandma. And I had lots of others who played their parts in being a maternal figure in my life. It's still hard not having a mother in my life but I am thankful for the roles everyone played in trying to fill the shoes of mother.

Then there's my husband and two boys. They are what makes me get up everyday. Some days, I have trouble getting out of bed. Lately, I don't see the point. But then I hear Devin screaming his brains out and I'm reminded that my kids need me. My husband is far from perfect. But he's good to me and he tries to be the best husband he can be. To me, that's all I can ask for. I'm blessed to have a man who is willing to stay home with our children and raise them. He gets looks from other men, especially when he's out alone with both kids, but he doesn't care. He's proud of his role and he's pretty good at it. No, he can't cook and clean AND watch the kids but he does the best he can. And I am proud of him. Aside from Allen, my two boys are the best thing God's ever given to me. I love them with all my life and I feel so blessed to have two healthy little boys.

I have a job whose employees are like my second family. When one of us goes through something we all go through something. That's rare in these days. I'm thankful for my job. It's very stressful and the long hours and constant board meetings can make me feel like I've lost my mind. And I don't make a lot of money. However, I have a God that has proven he will provide for me in times of need so despite my small paycheck, I have somehow been able to take care of my family. And when I cannot, God gives Allen opportunities to fill in the gaps.

I could go on and on. But I won't. I just know that I'm blessed and I know that somehow I will get through this. Every day, God reminds me of all I have to be thankful for. I think in time, and with constant reminders, it'll help get me out of this crazy funk I'm going through.

Still miss you, Jen

Jesus Christ, I miss Jennifer. I miss her so much. I wish I could find her in her little heavenly place and slap the hell out of her for leaving us so soon.

It's been six years. Six depressing years without my best friend. Seriously, I never knew how much I depended on Jennifer until she was gone. But, that's how life is I guess.

Today, we should be texting each other the hilarious things our kids have done and calling each other to fuss about the stupid things our husbands did. I should be teaching Corbin all about the art of bullying so that he could bully Jennifer's kids, to pay her back for all the years she was so freaking mean to me!

It's been over six years since I've been able to make a fart joke and have someone to laugh about it like it's the funniest thing in the world. It's been over six years since I've been to a friend's house and just cooked out on the grill and hung out. Really, it has. I don't have anyone else that I do that with. It was just Jennifer.

Life has gone on and I set out on a mission to heal Jennifer's family as well as myself with a scholarship in her honor. The scholarship is done. We raised around $27,000 in like 4 years. The first scholarship will be given out in the Fall. I'm proud of what we did. But, now it's over and I have no idea what to do now. I'm not healed. I do feel Jennifer's family is more at peace now and that gives me comfort but I still miss her so much.

My kids will never know their Aunt Jen. And even though I'll tell them about her, they will never understand the significance of our friendship.

Last July, I lost my buddy Domino. He passed away and broke my heart. I miss him too. Jennifer and him had this strange bond. She was the only one, other than Allen, that believed Domino could talk. She would help me feed him when I went out of town and she swore he would say, "where's my momma." Domino also called Allen an "asshole." No joke. It was seriously funny. Other than me, Jennifer was really the only one Domino would allow to mess with him. He'd jump up in her lap and sit. It's hard to explain how miraculous that is but Domino was my cat and he loved his momma and every now and then, he loved his daddy (even though he called him ugly names).

I'm pretty convinced there's not a movie called "All Cats Go To Heaven" because there is no heaven for cats. Cats go straight to hell! Mean ole things! But I like to think that Jennifer put a stop to Domino going to hell and instead, snatched him up and begged God to let him stay with her. So now, every day, I bet Domino sits in Jennifer's lap and sleeps.

That does bring me comfort but it doesn't make me miss Jennifer any less.

Two years have flown on by

So next week, on Thursday, I will officially have a two-year-old.

I am still in denial about the whole deal. It makes me want to cry, which is not unusual considering my state of mind lately. But anyway.....

This weekend, we are having his birthday party. We decided to have it at this little horse farm down the road from our house. It's called A Chance on the Farm. They are a non-profit organization that does things for youth that may not have a chance to experience the farm life, so to speak. They hold events on occasion and we had a chance to go to one about two months ago. Corbin loved it so much, we decided to do his birthday party there.

I'm excited about the party. I think Corbin will love it. I'm nervous too. Last year, I got away with having a very minimal party for him and we didn't bring the two families together. This year, both families are coming as well as a few friends. I hope and I pray things go well.

But anyway, in planning for the party, I've had to do some photo digging and boy, has it made me sad. My little boy is growing up and I just can't believe how fast time flies! I can't believe it's been two years already! I love looking at photos of him over the past two years. But it's sad because the little baby years are gone and I miss them so much!

But, I'm proud too. Corbin is developing and so curious.He amazes me at how fast he catches on to things. I know I am whining over him growing up but I can't wait until I can sit down and have conversations with him. I think he'll be pretty awesome to talk to. He already is!

Corbin is like his dad a lot. He loves to be outside, loves to be doing something all the time and he cannot, absolutely cannot, stay in one place at any time. He needs to be busy.

Corbin loves animals. He loves Spiderman. He loves horses. He loves to watch The Little Engine that Could. He loves temper tantrums!

Really, Corbin loves everything!

And I love Corbin.

There are days when I feel like the worst mother in the world. I especially feel that way right now. But there are also those rare days I feel like I've at least done a little something right with Corbin. He is, after all, still alive. So obviously Allen and I have done something right.

I love when that child gives me a kiss. I love when he laughs. I love that he's finally learning to say momma. I love it when he says, "AMEN!" The list goes on and on and on. I just love that little boy to death. Even when he slaps me, kicks me, hits me, bites me, throws food on the floor, dumps his entire bucket of crayons out (that list goes on and on too).

I'm pretty sure I'll love him forever and always, no matter what.

I know, because I already do.

Still looking for the light

Well I don't have a lot to post this week. Things are the same, maybe even worse. This is a hard place to be in right now, especially when I don't have anyone to slap me around and make it all better.

But I'm still hopeful I'll come out of this weirdo funk I've fallen in. Until then, I'll continue to drink Mt. Dew, Coffee and whatever else tricks me into thinking I'm okay.

I don't even know where to start this blog today.

It's one of those things that no one talks about because us mommy people are supposed to never have issues. But I just don't care. I need to vent and get it out. I don't exactly have a phone full of people I can call up and talk to so I come to this blog, get things out of my system. It makes me feel somewhat better, at least for a little while.

I am currently dealing with some symptoms of Postpartum Depression. There's a shocker, right!

It's strange how it took so long to hit me but nonetheless, it's here. I've been dealing with it a few weeks now but trying to just ignore it and hope it will go away. I did read that sometimes, when you've had a traumatic experience with birth, like your kid being sick, it could take a few months to kick in so I guess that's not so abnormal. But I really thought it would go away over time.

But, it hasn't.

This year has been so horrible for my family. Devin's hospital stuff has stressed me out beyond belief. And even though he is better, I have this paranoia around him that I can't seem to let go. Allen and I still won't let anyone feed him. NO ONE. EVER.

I freak out every time he coughs or gasps, even though usually it's just him coughing like any other baby would do. But when it happens, I freeze in place and just stare at him, wondering if he's going to do his little stop breathing thing.

It hasn't happened in forever, since his last hospital stay. It's strange because the only thing that we've changed is his eating. And we took him off his medicine. The medication was entirely our idea and it was strange how much he changed just from doing that.

Devin is doing better. He smiles now and laughs and he loves to stare. He even laughs when Corbin slaps him. It's almost like he's teasing Corbin, saying, "Can't you hit any harder than that?"

The only issue we continue to see is that on occasion, Devin still has issues taking a bottle. They happen at random times. One day he's awesome and the next feeding him is like hell. Pure hell. Allen and I hate feeding this child but since we don't let anyone else do it, we kinda have to. I think we'd both rather change a poopy diaper than feed him. That's how horrible it is trying to feed this kid!

But aside from Devin, we've had a million other things to deal with this year. I guess I've been so busy in survival mode, I haven't had a chance to really deal with things. So now everything is hitting me.

I randomly start crying now, for no reason. I get extremely irritable, most of the time for no reason. But sometimes, something really dumb can make me just fly off the handle. Or cry. I like to cry now.

It's worrying the crap out of me because I hate crying. I don't cry.

It took me a while to realize what was going on. And then it hit me. Postpartum depresson. And then I wanted to just beat it out of me so it would go away.

It's affecting my work.

I go to work every single day, knowing that I have to be there because I am the provider for my family, and I just stare at the computer. It takes me forever to write a story. Then, I have to pretend like I yawned or sneezed or something when someone walks by my desk during a time I've had one of my crying episodes. I feel so stupid. And I really think I'm losing my mind.

There are days I just can't handle Corbin's little temper tantrums or Devin's constant wailing. Then there are days I miss them so much I feel like I'm dying. It's so freaking weird.

I keep saying I'm going to call the doctor but I keep putting it off. I heard my doctor had left and I'm not really into talking to a new doctor about things when they have no idea the history. Plus, all doctors want to do is give you medicine and I am not a fan of depression medicine. Been there, done that, didn't work.

I contemplated whether to tell Allen and finally, I did. But of course, I don't think he realizes the severity of it. And, with everything going on with him right now, I doubt he will.

But nonetheless, it's something I'm dealing with. I'm living in a little house of crazy right now. And it has a note on the door that says, "Be back later." And hopefully that's the case. Hopefully, I will be back later.

NAMA

Well, we are a whole month into Allen's karate stuff. It's going pretty well and we are thrilled.

He only has 3 students in his younger class but he has like 7 in his older class. The numbers should change in May though as we have a few more planning to sign up. We are also getting ready to start advertising pretty hard so I expect things to change because of that too but 10 students starting off is pretty impressive!

I'm happy for Allen. He seems so thrilled to be doing this and I couldn't be more proud of him. It's taken a long time for this to get going and he has been so patient. There are still people who probably think we are insane but that's okay.

After the first day or so of class, I had a woman call me at work to tell me how much her kid loves it. She said Allen was a really good teacher and very patient. I've had others tell me how good he's doing as well. I finally got to see the end of one of his classes this week and I was impressed. Allen is very patient yet strict. He has no problems answering any questions students have. You can tell he is doing something he loves.

We are already getting ready for the first belt test. He is super excited about that.

I hope things continue to go well for him and that one day, we will be able to actually buy or rent a building in Nashville so that he can do classes everyday.

baby stuff....again!

Well it's been over a month since my last post. Things have been going okay. Both boys are nice and healthy again and that is definitely a good thing. Corbin is still wild as I don't know what. There are some days, well nights really since that's when I'm home, when I think I may have to tie him to a chair to keep him still. God bless Allen, who has to take care of him all day, everyday! No wonder he's always so moody!

Devin is continuing to do well. We are very pleased at how he is finally turning into a normal kid. The only problem is, he is a mommma's boy. That's a problem because momma isn't the one home with him and daddy can't do anything to console the kid. There are some days Allen swears he cries all day long. As soon as I get home and take him, he quiets up and smiles. Oh yea, he loves his mommy!

I'm thrilled that one of my kids loves me so much but it breaks my heart at the same time. There are times I call Allen to check in and I can hear Devin just wailing over the phone. There's nothing I can really do, except count the hours before I get to go home and hold him. Now there are days Devin is okay and those days are becoming more and more. But there are still enough days where he screams most of the day that I just want to leave work and go home.

On another note, our lives have been so crazy that we have taken to eating extremely bad. We eat fast food a lot. TOO MUCH! Corbin actually seems to like fruits and veggies, well he used to. I guess feeding him chicken nuggets and other crap everyday may cause him to not like healthy food. So, we have to try and do better at making time to eat at home and eat better. One night this week, Allen was outside trying to get some stuff done and Corbin was with him so I could cook dinner. I decided to make Allen some buffalo chicken dip and knew Corbin wouldn't like the dip so I just stuck a little pizza in the oven. I cut two small pieces for Corbin and then cut up some carrots and apples and included that on his plate. I also gave him some cheese and crackers. It may still be unhealthy but it's better than usual! I was proud of myself and definitely plan to find better foods to give him. He needs to start eating healthy now so he doesn't turn into a fat turd like his momma. And, even though his daddy is skinny, he eats like crap too. He is just fortunate to have a better metabolism than me!

Sick babies

Well for the past week, I've had two sick boys. Devin and Corbin finally caught whatever it was that I had.

It started with just little, bitty coughs. Corbin started coughing a little but one day woke up with a really deap, croupy cough. It sounded horrible and the poor thing was pitiful. Since his cough was so bad, we called the doctor. Devin had started coughing on the day Corbin's cough got worse so we decided to tell the doctor about his cough that day too, thinking they could do something ahead of time to keep Devin from getting worse. That, of course, didn't happen. What did happen is I had to pay co-pays for both Devin AND Corbin to see the doctor and then basically wait for Devin to get really sick so I could take him back to the doctor and pay yet another co-pay. Doctor's offices are so lovely.

Anyway, Corbin's cough has lasted over a week but it's not as bad now. He went maybe 2-3 days with a really bad cough. But not, his cough is better and he has a runny nose. Devin had a bad cough for about the same and right now his cough should be almost gone. But what a rough week it was!

Sick kids is not fun!

Devin actually took his cough like a tough little man. I guess he's used to feeling like crap so a little cough didn't phase him much. But poor Corbin, he hardly ever gets sick so this cold really kicked his butt. He has been a handful!

I have felt horrible about passing on my cold to them but it was inevitable. I'm just shocked that Allen hasn't caught it. He never gets sick and although I am thankful, I'm also a little bit jealous! It's not fair!

This year has certainly been one for the books in doctors visits and sickness. I hope this round of colds is the last thing we have to deal with for the REST of the year!

Finally time!

Well, the time has finally come.

Allen's karate school is starting up next week.

I'm super excited for him. He's worked really hard on this and has really been patiently waiting for God to pull things together.

Most importantly, he's let God take over his business. That, to me, is what will make it a success.

But I'm still worried. There's a lot of involved in starting a business.

Allen is very confident it'll work and as his wife, I've been as supportive as I can be. And it's been hard. There's a lot of people who haven't supported Allen in this. They take he is crazy and I'm crazy for letting him do this.

But you know, Allen and I have spent the last 10 years taking chances. We are risk takers.

I can't imagine how hard it must be to not know what your calling in life is. But that's how Allen has been for that past few years. He's bounced around trying to find his calling in life.

When he gave his life to God in 2010, that's when things finally came together for him. And that's when God gave him his calling. So you know, how can you not support that?

I envision this business will thrive and that not only will Allen teach kid's karate, he'll teach kids about God. I imagine this business will make us a better Christian couple and will help us in our marriage. I imagine this business will make us better parents and overall, just better people.

I don't imagine it making us rich. It won't.

But, if it will give Allen a career and still allow him to be home during the day with our kids, I'll be happy.

Being a mom

Being a mom is the most exhausting thing I've ever done. And I've done a lot of things.

The hardest thing about my life right now is the lack of friends I have to call when I need to just vent. Sometimes, it helps to just pick up the phone and tell someone how crazy your day was. I don't feel like I have that.

I feel like I'm surrounded by a lot of people that care about me and my family. I mean, obviously, we were so blessed to have folks praying for us and doing things for us when Devin was in the hospital, I know how lucky I am. But there still wasn't that one person I could really call and just cry to and there's been lots of times I needed that.

I have Allen and there were lots of times I've cried with him. And of course, he's let me do it. He's my best friend but you still need someone else.

I miss Jennifer.

I know she would have been there and she would have let me vent and she would have had my back during all this. She would have told the nosy people who were trying to tell me what to do when Devin was in the hospital to back off and she would have left me alone when I just needed to be alone.

One of my bad qualities is my lack of openness and trust. I don't let people in and I have a hard time making friends. I have a lot of acquaintances but not a lot of friends.

Anyway, that's not what this blog is about. It's about how exhausting motherhood is. Sometimes, you just need a night out with a friend.

I know Allen needs the same thing.

I feel really bad for Allen sometimes. He's home every, single day with the boys and Devin cries 90% of the time and it wears on your nerves. And Corbin, well he's a typically almost-two-year-old so imagine being around that all day!

Sometimes I come home at night and I think Allen is about to lose his mind!

But of course, there are other times I feel sorry for myself.

I come home late a lot. My job is not a 8-5 one. I work late often, I work weekends and I'm just not there for my kids like I'd like to be. And it sucks.

Last night, I got home at 10 p.m. I went in at 8:30 a.m. The day before that, I went in at 9 and got home at 8. One of the nights, Allen was telling me about his day and what Corbin did and how he peed in the potty and it just broke my heart that I missed something like that. Peeing in the potty is a big deal! With Allen being the daddy, he doesn't think of stuff like that as a big deal. If it were me home with Corbin, I would have threw a parade or something. I would have called Allen at work and bragged about Corbin peeing. I may have even taken a picture!

It's hard to be the one working. When I get off, I just want to go home and go to bed. But more so, I want to spend time with the boys. So, I stay up and play with them and get them to bed. On the weekends, when I'm not working, I try to spend as much time with them.

I know that eventually my work schedule will truly create some conflicts with my personal life and then, I'll have to take a look at some things. My family is #1 and being a mom is now the most important job that I have! If I have to pick between a board meeting and my kid's soccer game, well you can imagine which one it's going to be.

Colds and yucky stuff

As if there wasn't enough going on in my life right now, I have caught some sort of blasted cold. GRRR

This little bugger is going around at work and I seem to not be able to dodge any type of virus.

Of course, I am plum out of vacation and sick days at work so I just have to suffer. I rested most of the weekend, as much as I could, but there's only so much rest you can get with two kids.

Being sick isn't even what bothers me the most. It's the thought that I could, and probably will, pass this on to at least one of my boys.

Corbin seems to have his daddy's immune system. He rarely gets sick and the few times he's been sick, it seems to come and go pretty quickly. But Devin, I have a feeling he'll catch everything.

If I had to choose, I'd pick Corbin to give this cold too. Not because I love him less but because he's older and healthier and stronger. And he can actually take medicine now. But I'd prefer if they both just didn't get it!